People-Pleasing and Trauma: What’s the Connection?
Life has more than its share of stressors. Some of these moments can be potentially traumatic. How we respond to such experiences can dramatically impact our mindset and behavior. Consider, for example, the standard trauma responses. Most folks are familiar with fight, flight, and freeze. Unfortunately, the fawn response does not get enough attention.
It’s a dysfunctional coping mechanism highlighted by a need to avoid any chance of repeat trauma. When evasion doesn’t work, the fawn response inspires us to appease. We become people pleasers in the hope that it will prevent others from hurting us in any way. In the short term, people-pleasing might protect us. But what happens when this tendency becomes our default setting?
How Does Trauma Cause People-Pleasing?
As touched on above, trauma induces a strong response. How you react is often dependent on your age and on the type of trauma you’re talking about. People who endured childhood trauma, domestic abuse, or any kind of relational distress are more likely to display the fawn response. It’s not a conscious choice, mind you, but a drastic attempt to cope with danger.
Put simply, if trauma has conditioned you to fear others, very much including those close to you, you’ll want to minimize the odds that these individuals will harm or reject you. It can reach a point at which you’ll do almost anything to please people before they decide to hurt you again. Such a mindset can carry over in a way that you go out of your way to please everyone whose path you cross.
This isn’t to suggest that we shouldn’t be kind and do our best to help others. The fawn response is not a sign of altruism. It’s a direct signal that you’re living in fear. You can only feel some semblance of safety when you submit to the people in your life. The primary difference between kindness and people-pleasing is your motivation.
Signs of People-Pleasing and the Fawn Response
You placed the needs of others above your own
Saying no and setting boundaries feels virtually impossible
You surrender decision-making to others
You struggle to identify who you are, what you want, and how to act
To play it “safe,” you walk on eggshells around others
In times of conflict, you always back down
You find yourself apologizing often
Your moods are shaped by those around you rather than your own experiences, opinions, beliefs, etc.
You feel misunderstood by everyone in your life
When you occasionally express your emotions, you’re the most surprised person in the room
How to Stop People-Pleasing
This process will ideally take place under the guidance of a trauma-informed therapist. They understand the root causes of your people-pleasing. This will help them help you without becoming just another person you aim to please. You absolutely can process and resolve trauma on the journey of healing. Keep in mind, when you stop being a people pleaser, you can learn healthy ways to practice kindness and compassion.
3 Important Steps to Stop People-Pleasing
Take Care of Yourself: People-pleasers frequently neglect their needs; thus, practicing daily self-care can be a giant step toward regaining balance in your life.
Learn How to Say “No”: As you begin saying “yes” to self-care, you can develop ways to say “no” when it’s the best choice for you.
Practice Mindfulness: People-pleasing can become so ingrained that you have trouble recognizing it. An excellent antidote to this scenario is mindfulness. The more you can live in the present moment, the easier it is to discern your behaviors and motivations.
I’d love to help you learn more about trauma-informed therapy. Let’s set you up with a free and confidential consultation soon.
