It’s Okay If Bonding Isn’t Immediate: Tips for Connecting with Your Baby at Your Own Pace
If we were to trust pop culture tropes, we’d believe that parents always make an immediate connection with their newborn children. However, it’s not always so simple. Plenty of parents need a little time and patience to create the profound bond they seek. There’s nothing “wrong” about this reality, but it can be enough of a stigma to create a climate of silence.
Let’s instead talk about the process of connecting with your baby at your own pace. Again, this isn’t a case of “right” or “wrong” — everyone and every situation are different. The goal is to find a compassionate path that works for the specific individuals involved. Let’s dig deeper.
How the Bonding Begins
Generally speaking, infants are both ready to bond. Their parents, however, have years of conditioning to deal with. This can lead to confusion and complications. For the most part, this is overridden by the daily act of caregiving. As you watch your new baby in action, you will likely feel a strong pull toward bonding.
This entire process, on both ends, is heightened by activities like:
Making steady eye contact
Making skin-to-skin contact
Talking and singing to your infant and giving them a chance to imitate
Giving the baby moving objects to follow with their eyes
However, as we’ve been pointing out, none of this is to be taken for granted. Sometimes, the bond doesn’t feel automatic.
A Few Reasons Why Bonding Can Be a Challenge
Exhaustion: After nine months of pregnancy and all the preparation, it’s not as if childbirth offers a reprieve. On the contrary, parents get busier and more sleep-deprived. These factors can slow the bonding process.
Birth Trauma: There are many possible causes of birth trauma. Some very specific examples include pre-term labor, medical emergencies, early contractions, and other complications.
Outside Struggles: Marital strife, financial concerns, and more can play a role in dampening the excitement and the connectivity of this big moment.
Depression: The “baby blues” are very common but usually do not last more than a couple of weeks.
3 Tips for Connecting with Your Baby at Your Own Pace
Appreciate “Normal” Moments
Not everything will look like a scene from a feel-good movie. So seek joy in what might be deemed the “simple” moments. Feeding, bathing, and comforting them when they cry can almost sound mundane, but that depends on how mindful you choose to be. Pro tip: Be very mindful.
Be Creative When Interacting
You can read all the books and watch all the videos, but when you’re lying next to your newborn, let your creativity flow. Sing, make faces, invent games, and do whatever feels natural and safe. Create memories right from the start.
Ask for Support
There’s no shame in requesting a helping hand. When trusted friends and loved ones are chipping in by doing laundry or cooking meals, that’s a load off your tired mind. Use that extra time and energy to make the most of your interactions with your baby.
Your infant is ready to bond, so why not make it easier for things to move as they’re designed to move? An added benefit of having other folks around is that they can also bond with your baby, increasing your little one's understanding of trust.
Don’t Try to Figure It All Out on Your Own
If it feels like a struggle to feel connected with your newborn, you’re not alone. If you can’t figure out what to do, you’re also not alone. Talking to a parenting therapist is a proven method for making sense of a very tricky situation. Why not reach out for input?
